I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
