I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
