Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm eating all of the evidence.
You can't motorboat a personality
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
