i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
