i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
