i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
