update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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