Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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