i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
