I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We need a shit load of segways right now
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
