imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
