Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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