Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
