she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
