Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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