i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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