i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize