4 words: hood of his car
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
