That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
