And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
