I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
