just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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