Pappa wants mamma naked
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
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