i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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