They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
