Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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