Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
