My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
A bitchslap is in order.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
