I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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