I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
