my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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