i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
True college students do jello shots in the library
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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