I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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