Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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