Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
