The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize