I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
