I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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