Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
