I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
