she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i think my cat just said my name.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
