I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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