if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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