And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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