Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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