guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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