I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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