I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
