All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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