You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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