i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
