Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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