White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
