wrigley field is MILF paradise
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
