we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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