nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
