it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
